


The Wokking Dead

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse, MythBusters RPF
Genre: Crack, Food Network - Freeform, Gen, Zombies, cooking show au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 20:45:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7772800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zombie chefs and celebrity judges, what could go wrong?  Probably a lot of things.<br/>Nathan (reasons will be explained) is on the show, co-judging with Adam Savage (Mythbusters) and Rachael Ray (30 Minute meals) <br/>These particular zombies are basically the kind from The Walking Dead only more functional.  But yeah picture those.  In clean aprons and gloves but otherwise all nasty.  Cooking for you.<br/>Disclaimer: I do not own them, and all that stuff.  Or Food Network, AMC,  Rachael Ray, Adam Savage, or any of their quotes.  Or whatever the fuck else ends up in here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wokking Dead

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve watched a lot of Mythbusters in my life, and I don’t really think Adam would be upset by anything I do to him here.   
> I don’t watch Rachael Ray. I looked up some quotes, but otherwise am just completely making her up in a somewhat cracky way. It’s not meant to be anything against her, but, apologies to her and her fans anyway.  
> The zombies are not based on anyone, and have been given the names they being called by the producers.  
> There announcer isn’t anyone in particular, just your basic host. I’m using my Narrator Voice™ which is in italics and with no quotation marks. You can imagine the host of your choice speaking, if you’re into that.   
> This is pretty much based on Chopped.  
> Further disclaimer: I can’t cook, so I’m just picking stuff at random. But, that’s how a zombie would cook. (I’m not a zombie) (or am I?)  
> Actually I’m using [this](http://www.springhole.net/writing_roleplaying_randomators/recipeingredients.htm) to give me ingredients.  
> Anyway, fic now...

INTRODUCTIONS 

_Welcome to a new episode of The Wokking Dead, everyone’s favorite new cooking show! We have another exciting episode for you all watching tonight! But first, let’s introduce this week’s guest judges! First up, Nathan Explosion from Dethklok, the most brutal band in the world! Now Nathan, I understand we were originally scheduled to have Toki Wartooth here today instead? Was there a problem? And also, please tell us all why you’re qualified to judge._

“Uh, Toki couldn’t come. Because of legal reasons. It’s stupid, I mean, all he did was curse her when we were Satanists for like ten minutes, but her PR people keep filing restraining orders. It’s bullshit! And It didn’t even work, she still has tits.” He paused to check them out, on display in her low cut top. “But they’re nice tits? So that’s okay? Uh, I don’t know what else to say here. Oh, and I’m qualified because we have a five star chef, and I like food. And I like eating food. Oh, I also like tits.” Introductions were hard when nobody’s wrote them down for you to just read! Nathan sat back and crossed his arms, scowling. Could they just get to the zombie part already?

_Well that was informative! Next up is Adam Savage from the Mythbusters! Adam, you recently featured a lot of zombie myths on your show, correct? Can you tell us what you discovered? Also whatever else you’d like to say._

Adam leaned forward excitedly. “I love lists. Always have. when I was 14, I wrote down every dirty word I knew on file cards and placed them in alphabetical order. This had nothing to do with anything.” He gestured randomly, waving his hands, “But we did do a special on zombie myths, and one thing we tested was whether or not it’s safe to eat things prepared by a zombie chef! So many people have one these days, but it’s a controversial topic. Surprisingly, we found that it’s totally fine, as long as standard food prep guidelines are followed! And if anybody missed the show, the same goes for sex, just use a barrier method and a muzzle! Now we couldn’t show the actual testing on tv, but if you go to Discovery.com and click on our aftershow-“

_That’ll do! Thank you, Adam, that was very informative. Well That brings us to our final judge, you all know her! The star of 30 Minute Meals, Rachael Ray! Rachael, tell us some things about yourself we might not know!_

She smiled and waved. “Hmm, let’s see... Well, I have a fat head- I get freaked-out looking at pictures of me. My dream job is to be a rock drummer and the alternate drummer for the Foo Fighters. I mean, look at me, I’m basically Dave Grohl with tits and good sammie skills!” She did a quick air drumming routine, and continued, “And basically I'm completely unqualified for any job I've ever had. And this one time I tried to bake a cake for my mother's birthday- it took me four hours. It was terrible, and I cried for three days. I’m not making that up, it was very sad. It was definitely not yum-o at all, even the dog wouldn’t eat it.”

_Okay that’s great! Very informative! Okay it’s time to get started here. Guards, will you bring today’s chefs from the holding pen?_

Rachael looked around her in a very worried manner, somehow having no fucking clue how this worked despite having a show on this very channel. “Oh no, how many zombies are in this building? I thought they were stored off-site!”

_No, no! We have our own holding area right here in this very studio! Besides, zombies are everywhere these days! Most of the time you don’t even know they’re there! But to answer your question, around fifty. I think? Maybe more, maybe a lot more. If you’re that worried about them, you should probably just leave Earth._

“I flew in a fake space shuttle,” Rachael shook her head sadly, considering, “but I have no desire to go into space after seeing the toilet. Have you ever seen one of those? It’s just the worst!”

_No, I’ve never seen a fake space shuttle toilet. But seriously, it’s totally safe here, there’s nothing to worry about! They’re stored securely behind a solid steel door and out safety record is spotless! We’ve never had any accidents! At least not that I know of._

“Does it say ‘Don’t dead open inside’ on the door?” Nathan suddenly really needed to know this.

_Yes it does, someone keeps graffiting it at night! If we ever catch them in the act, there will be consequences. This is Food Network, not AMC! Go back to AMC, you door-defacing zombie lovers! You’re all fired, if we can ever figure out who you are!_

The rant could have gone on longer, but was interrupted by the guards returning, guiding the zombies. There were four of them, zombies, that is, three males and one female, and none of them looked at all fresh. They did all have clean aprons tied over their zombie clothes, and someone has bagged all their hands in food grade gloves, held on with duct tape as usual. They were positioned at their cook stations, and seemed to understand that they should stay there.  
On each table was a small container shaped like a casket.  
They twitched softly as they waited.

_Let’s meet out contestants! They don’t win anything, but we still like to call them that. For today’s show we’ve chosen the names Kenny, Kyle, Stan, and Wendy! As you know, we have no way of knowing what they used to be called, and so we let all of you out there submit your suggestions! Congratulations to Steve! We chose your names, your $5 Hot Topic gift card is in the mail!_

Nathan was already bored, it’s not like he hadn’t seen a lot of zombies already, in other places. The novelty was long gone, and nothing was happening, they were all just standing there. “Can zombies really even cook? I don’t watch this show! And I’m starting to wonder why I’m even here.” There wasn’t even any booze, this was lame. “Seriously, why am I here? And who do I have to kill to get a drink around here?!”

“Why? Because secretly, you've always wondered! And that's why we're here.” Adam was still excessively excited to be here. Or maybe just excessively excited in general, all the time. “Oh look, the one on the end is missing a portion of its skull! Isn't television glamourous? You can see that his brain is mostly still intact! Did you know that, despite how it’s depicted in popular media, only a few key parts of the zombie’s brain are actually crucial to its continued existence?” He started pointing to parts of his own head, “You see them mostly stabbing here in tv, but that’s false! We tested this, and the best places to stab, if you want to actually kill it, are either here or here! Sometimes if you-“

“Ugh. You’re as bad as Murderface!” Nathan didn’t care, “Shut up, just stop talking! Stop talking.” It was pretty clear nobody was going to get him any booze, this sucked!

Rachael was still smiling widely, at nothing in particular. That was almost more disturbing.

_Let’s begin!_

APPETIZER ROUND

_Now contestants, open your caskets! For this dish you must use apples, lime, and onion in some way! As always, you can use literally anything else you find in the kitchen. Remember that while we encourage you to use the wok, it’s not essential. You have 20 minutes, so get started!_

The zombies obeyed, slowly unpacking their ingredient and beginning to shuffle around to prepare them. Their work stations contained the usual stove/oven combo, as well as a wok and a blender. There were no sign of knives or any other utensils. Shuffling back and forth, two of the contestants collided, but just sort of bounced off each other and continued on their way.

Rachael was watching intently, now that the action had started. Or maybe just keeping a close eye on where the zombies were in relation to her possibly appetizing limbs. “Apples are good! Everybody's twelve years old in an apple orchard... I tend to overwhack the meat.” Then she giggled.

Nathan side-eyed her. “Ugh, I’m starting to understand Toki’s side here, and that scares me. What the hell is wrong with you, lady?” Nobody wants their meat overwhacked, whatever the hell that even meant. Was she talking about food or sex? Or twelve year olds? Or all three?!

Adam had obeyed Nathan and shut up. Or maybe it was just a coincidence. He was watching the action intently with a strange manic glee. 

_Kyle grabbed a few things, I couldn’t see exactly what, and now appears to be trying to reach something under the stove! I hope nobody trips on him!_

_Kenny has... I think that’s coriander, this should be interesting! And fresh blueberries!_

_Wendy hasn’t gotten any more ingredients yet, she’d better hurry up!_

_Now Kenny has ripped his onion apart and thrown it in the wok, he’s going for some sort of stir-fry! And he’s got a melon baller and is- oh wow!- using his own brains for this dish! That’s a bold move, I hope it pays off! Now he’s smashed his apple with his blender and added it too! And there go the blueberries, well they’re going to pop and dye everything in the wok. He still hasn’t used his limes, we’ll have to see what he does with them later._

_Wendy has her thrown apple in the oven, I guess we’re getting some sort of baked apple? We’ll find out! Now she’s heading to the fridge!_

_Kyle’s using his blender! He’s got his limes in there, whole! Maybe he’s making a sauce? What else is in there... Oh, that would be pickled sardines and red grapes. Sounds interesting! He’s got his onion on the grill with- Wait, what is that? That appears to be a rat he found in a trap on the floor, under the stove! Well, we did say to use anything in the kitchen!_

_Stan is also using his wok, but he’s thrown all his ingredients in whole! I think it may be time to retire this cook, he’s making no move to repurpose his items at all! That’s not good tv! He’s not even stirring it, he’s just standing there! Ten minutes, cooks!_

_Wendy has lettuce, it’s going to be a salad! She’s adding shredded onion, lime juice, and oil! That’s surprisingly smart of her, maybe her earlier delay was for planning? Now she’s got her apple out and had crushed it into a sort of applesauce! Good work, Wendy!_

“Is it EVOO?! You know, extra virgin olive oil? That’s the only kind I ever use!” With a rapturous expression, Rachael continued, “It’s the best! You can use it everywhere, for everything! Cooking, coctails, lube, I even put it in my car! It’s so de-lish! You don’t need anything else in life if you have EVOO!” Her manic smile widened more, if that was even possible. “Put it on toast! Use it in stoups! Grease up your dog so he can slip through the pet door easy-peasy!”

Nathan muttered, too low for anyone but Adam, who was closest, to hear, “Okay, now I hope your tits fall off.” He didn’t blame Toki one bit, this chick was completely nuts. And that smile, she was like the Joker without makeup, except she was wearing makeup. But not that kind.

Adam commented, softly for once, “We did a show on curses once. They don’t work, no matter who you pray to.”

“Ugh, that figures.” Nathan shrugged and went back to watching the cooks. They were less creepy.

_Uh oh, looks like Kenny’s got some impairment on the right side, he might have made one brain ball too many! Let’s hope it doesn’t hamper him too much! Five minutes! Get your food on plates!_

_Wendy is done, and that actually looks edible! That’s a lot of raw onion, but she’s ripped it up pretty small!_

_Stan is making no move to plate, and his wok is smoking. His items are burning in there, he never even flipped them! Yes, it’s clearly time to retire him, this just won’t do! Guards, will one of you turn off Stan’s wok before we have a fire? Thanks!_

_Kenny has his plated, and is squeezing lime juice over it all. His brains look nicely browned, as far as I can tell with all the discoloration from the blueberries. Now he’s adding the coriander, well at least it’s on the side. That’s a lot!_

_Hurry up, Kyle! Okay he’s plating the rat now, he’s torn it into segments. Oh that’s nice, he’s put them on chunks of onion and poured his sauce over it all. This is certainly the most professional looking plate today! Maybe he used to actually be a chef? It’s possible! What about his apple though? He seems to have forgotten it!_

_Times up! Okay contestants, our guards will present your dishes to the judges while I try to think of an appetizing way to describe them! Up first, Kyle! Today we have... Grilled rodent on a bed of onion, topped with a lime, sardine, and grape puree! Judges, keep in mind that Kyle has forgotten one of his ingredients._

Nathan stared at his plate of rat and yuck. “I don’t think I can eat this.” He pushed it away.

“Failure is always an option.” Adam stated sagely, but took a bite of his. “What? This is pretty far from the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth.”

Rachael dug right in. “This rat is perfectly cooked! I wish there was some salt though. The puree is interesting, nice complex flavors, and the sweetness of the grapes counter the lime zest well. I wish he could have used his apple!”

_Nathan, aren’t going to eat yours? That’s the whole point of this show! At least try the non-rat parts!_

“You can go fuck yourself!” But he reluctantly nibbled a piece of sauced onion. “Ugh, this is disgusting! But Toki’d probably love it.”

“We covered that myth!” Adam had mostly finished his plate. “About fucking yourself, it’s technically possible if you’re extremely hung and you insert it before it’s fully erect! For the average person though, busted.”

_Okay, fine, moving on! Next up we have Wendy! We have a raw onion and lettuce salad, with lime vinaigrette and baked applesauce! Judges?_

Nathan cautiously took a bite. “This is super oniony. It’s kind of brutal. Uh, it’s edible? I guess?”

“Any dish that uses EVOO is a win for me! Yum-o, how good is that!”

Adam just ate his silently, it wasn’t weird enough to comment on.

_And now, finally, from Kenny we have brain meatballs tossed with stir-fried onions, apple, and blueberries, drizzled with lime juice and a generous side of pure coriander!_

To everyone’s surprise, Rachael pushed her plate away. “Kenny, this looks really great, but I saw you drop your serving scoop on the floor so I don’t feel comfortable eating this.”

“You ate the fucking rat he picked up off the floor, but you’re worried about a spoon? I’ve ate a lake troll but I don’t wanna eat zombie brains. I’ll eat the other parts though.” Nathan tried a bite, avoiding most of the coriander and all of the brains. “Hey this isn’t bad!”

Adam pointed his fork at Nathan, “You couldn’t have eaten a lake troll because lake trolls are just a myth! We proved they don’t exist just last year on our legendary creatures special show! Man, that unicorn really did a number on our warehouse though!” Adam was eating his, it brains and all, he knew they were safe enough even though he’d busted the 5 second rule myth years ago.

“They used to exist! We summoned him, then we had to get rid of him or we couldn’t have our high speed internet back! Have you ever tried living without high speed internet? Actually we were just supposed to put him to sleep, but that didn’t work. So we killed him with out phones. And then we sort of ate him? So they don’t exist anymore, because we all ate him!”

“Did you cook it in EVOO?!” Rachael pointed her huge grin at Nathan.

“NO!”

Adam seemed unaffected by Rachael, or was just really good at ignoring her. “I just ate zombie brains. If I had any dignity, that would have been humiliating! Fortunately for me, I don’t have any. Jamie always tells me I should be ashamed of myself, but I don’t know how!”

_Stan has been disqualified this round for being an incompetent complete failure. Way to suck, Stan!_

ENTREE ROUND 

_Welcome to the entree round! We’ve removed Stan from the competition, now let’s see what our remaining contestants can do! Open your caskets! For this round, your dish must include bean sprouts, raspberries, and beef! You have thirty minutes!_

_Kenny has slapped his meat on the grill! He doesn’t seem to notice that his hand is partially on the grill as well! He’s paying for that brain appetizer now, that whole side is wonky! The guards have pulled his hand off and put a new glove on him, he’s good to continue!_

_Kyle is staring into his casket and hasn’t removed his items yet! But what’s that in his hand? It looks like dynamite! That wasn’t in the basket. Well, let’s see what he does with it!_

Adam clapped his hands. “We have my two favorite things: red meat and high explosives!”

Nathan nodded, those were some of his favorite things too. Adam wasn’t so bad, once you got used to him.

_Wendy is going straight for the fridge! What’s that- Wait- Who is that, how did she get in there?!_

Rachael beamed excitedly over her clasped hands, “I never in a million years thought I look over and see Teri Hatcher in my refrigerator! I wonder what part of her Wendy is planning to use?”

_As Rachael has kindly pointed out, that does indeed appear to be actress Teri Hatcher in the fridge! We’re not sure how she got there, but authorities will be notified! She is not an authorized ingredient! The guards are removing the body now._

“Oh, pooh! I was so looking forward to eating her!”

_Wait! Wendy is attacking the guards! Is she biting- She’s biting them! Damnit, there goes our perfect safety record!_

Wendy rips a guard’s throat out.  
Rachael gets up and backs slowly toward the door. She backs into the door, then through the door, never turning. There is a fading scream as she flees.

_Rachael has left the building! Wendy has bitten another guard. WHERE IS KYLE?! While we were distracted, Kyle has disappeared! This can’t be good! Kenny’s still working on preparing his dish._

“This show is AWESOME! I’ve never seen so much blood on a cooking show! Brutal.”

“Contrary to the popular myth, those guards can change in as little as five minutes!”

There is a breaking sound from down the hallway, and the sounds of much shuffling and moaning.

_Kyle has apparently released the hoarde! Kenny is still cooking, Wendy is eating a guard! I am leaving the building! They don’t pay me enough for this!_

Nathan turned to Adam, “Let’s kill some fucking zombies!” But they had no weapons... “Wait, how?”

“I just had another one of those ‘What the hell are we doing?!’ moments. Am I about to feel really, really stupid? I have some ideas on how to fix that. They're not very good ideas, but at least they're ideas!” He was rambling, and apparently (hopefully) thinking.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” 

In response, Adam pushed a button under the table, releasing the emergency hammer. “It always brightens my mood when we get to break out the sledgehammer!” He handed it to Nathan, “You take this, I’m going to get Kyle’s dynamite!”

“Fuck yeah!” Nathan took the hammer and smashed the guards’ heads, and also the contestants’. Poor Kenny died before competing his dish, oh well.

The sounds of rapid shambling grew louder, then zombies started pouring into the room. Nathan stepped up and started swinging the sledge, smashing away. “Rotted Body Landslide! Enjoy our tasty Hammer Smashed Face!” There were more than he was going to be able to smash!

“Stand back!” Adam gestured that he wanted to keep the cooking area clear, “ I gotta get some rocket fuel out of the fridge!”

“Why the fuck is there rocket fuel in the fridge?” Nathan kept swinging.

“Where else would you keep it?” There were several crashes. “Oops. I am now standing in a mixture of cooling fluid, gasoline, and cola. Well, here goes nothing!” Adam lit the dynamite and dropped it, diving over the workstations for cover.

Nathan watched as the pool promptly extinguished the fuse, so much for that plan. “Hey, a little help here?!” This was way more than fifty zombies!

Adam popped up. “That was excellent! I mean, it didn't do anything, but it looked really cool! Did you see my dive?”

“Yes! Now help me kill some fucking zombies!”

“No time! Run!” He led the way through the door, slamming it behind them.

DESERT ROUND 

They leaned on the door, trying to hold it shut. The zombies were pushing really hard. Despite this, Adam seemed cheerful about the situation. “Can you hold the doors by yourself for a minute? This is the point in the show where we say, 'Oh, what else do we have in the van that's flammable?’ I’m parked right there!” He pointed to a white van two spaces away.

“Probably, but hurry! Uh, why do you have flammable stuff in your van?”

“I was a boy scout!”

“What’s that got to do with anything?” Were they trading childhood stories now? “Okay? Uh, I had a dog when I was a kid.”

Adam came running back with what looked like a large lump of clay, which he held up triumphantly. “I always say when in doubt, C-4!”

“Awesome! But isn’t that a lot?” It looked a lot smaller in movies...

“Bigger is always better! Now let’s kill these zombies!” Adam also had some sort of keypad in his hand. “Okay, you’re gonna open the door so I can throw this in, then we’ll close it really fast and set off the C-4! We’ll be fine! Well, probably!”

“Okay. Do I get to push the button?”

“No, it’s my button! I always push the button!” Adam was in position. “You ready?”

“Yeah! Do it!” 

Nathan cracked the door, zombie arms immediately reached out. Adam tossed the C-4 over then, landing it somewhere in the hoarde. They both threw their weight against the door, it couldn’t close due to protruding limbs, but they were holding it at least. Adam quickly pressed the button.

The explosion was huge. Fire shot out the crack in the door, singing Adam but missing Nathan who was more off to the side. Part of the roof flew off, along with a lot of vaporized bodies. Debris and blood sprinkled down on them, and most of the city block. A large chunk landed on Adam’s van, smashing the roof in. It was pretty safe to say that all the zombies inside were dead.

Adam turned to Nathan, wiping zombie mist off his face with his shirt. “Am I missing an eyebrow?”

“You’re missing both of them!” Nathan wiped his own face, completely unharmed. “Holy shit, we almost died!”

Adam looked at his van, shook his head sadly, then walked over to the curb and sat down.

Nathan joined him, they weren’t due to pick him up just yet so he might as well sit too. “That was pretty awesome! And I always thought cooking shows were lame.” He glanced back, “Hey, do you need a ride home?”

“Actually yes, since my van’s crushed. That would be great. Jamie’s going to bitch me out for destroying another one, that’s the third this week, but it wasn’t even my fault this time!”

“Uh, it sort of was? You’re the one who used all the C-4. You know, not that I’m complaining.”

"I reject your reality and substitute my own. That was not my fault.”

Nathan just shrugged. He was trying to think of good song titles about what all had just happened, but so far everything sounded too much like something that was already out there. There had been a lot of zombie themed songs _before_ all this had happened, now there were even more. Well, maybe he’d come up with something later.  
So he started thinking about other stuff instead. “Hey Adam, what if you, like, threw a zombie at another zombie really hard? Would they both explode?” Projectile zombies, good song title? Maybe?

“We tried to test that once,” Adam stroked his missing eyebrows, “Unfortunately, humans are big heavy things, usually, and so when you're using them as projectiles, it takes a lot of energy, and it takes a heck of a lot of work. We weren’t able to effectively fire one without mostly vaporizing it in the process.”

“That sucks.” And probably not a good song title then.

“Yeah, but it was a lot of fun trying.”

A familiar sound approached. “Hey, here comes the Dethcopter! You ready to ride in it?”

“Hell yes! I’ve always wanted to ride in that thing!”

And so they left (the remains of) the studio.  
The end (of the show.)


End file.
